Lost and Flawed

For years I’ve seen people from all around the world build up the courage to put themselves out there and tell their stories. For me, it was and still is an act of bravery. Putting yourself in that vulnerable position is one of the most meaningful and strongest thing you could ever do, mainly because you can help millions of people with just one small video or post. I cannot tell you how much these stories helped me when I was in high school and now. They empower me. They show me that I am not alone. With this thought in mind I decided to share my story.

There are many things that I want to say. Some make their way through my mouth but the others are often too stubborn, patiently waiting to come out. In the end I always find my confidence when I write. I am able to access my deepest thoughts, to share them, to be as raw as I can possibly be. There’s endless possibilities, no shortcuts, no forgetfulness, no holding back. Some may find that pouring your heart out may be too difficult to bear but I, in spite of being shy, believe that expressing how you feel holds unimaginable beauty and truth.

For the past two years, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been really struggling. 2016 wasn’t the best year of my life. I had just finished high school and for one moment I truly felt like I knew what I wanted, so much so that I felt totally safe so to speak. Once I started college everything changed. I started questioning myself, who I was and what I wanted. The pressure was undeniable and I lost myself completely. Because of this I’ve ended up disappointing people that mean everything to me. The problem was that I couldn’t see the damage I was creating. I thought I was fine, that if I pushed everything away instead of not dealing with everything I was feeling one step at a time that it would be okay. How wrong I was. And so, early this year I had my first ever panic attack. It was the first time where I truly felt that the emotions were beginning to take over me. Instead of taking that as a sign, I kept going without acknowledging the truth. As the year progressed it became worse and worse. I experienced some failures in school which made me feel worthless. I took everything in my life for granted, from my family to my friends.They were there, especially my mom, dad and my brother, who have seen me at my absolute worst, but I was too isolated in my dark little world to see it. I am sure that they felt so helpless and didn’t know what to do to help me. This went on until I was hit by the cruel yet saving truth. After it was pointed out to me just how bad I’ve been, I began to slowly see all the damage I’ve left behind. There’s a true lesson that comes out of all of this: you can either let your mistakes take the best of you and consume you or accept them and try to become better. IMG_1304

Most of you will now think that I was depressed, and yes I was, on top of having anxiety and felling completely lost. In spite of everything that I’ve gone through, I have no regrets and I am grateful because if I continued going the way I was going I would have destroyed myself. Realising this does not make me completely fine and healed. I am just taking my first step into becoming a better person. Everything that happened thus far made me see that I am one of the most blessed people on this Earth because others struggle with so much more. It’s made me see that I am human, that I make mistakes, that I am imperfect, but that’s okay. Being human means to care, and when you care you love, and when you love you suffer. This is just a part of life and I believe that everyone is able to get through anything if they have faith. Faith that God is pointing us in the right direction, faith in themselves and faith that everything happens for a reason. I hope this will help some of you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Everyone struggles and we have no idea what is going on in other people’s minds.

  I am lost, and I am flawed, but that is okay!