“It doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down. All that matters is you get up one more time than you were knocked down.”
― Roy T. Bennett
Happy International Women’s day to all of you strong, brave, kind and powerful women. Since today is all about empowerment, I thought I’d share with you what I’ve been through for the past two months. I hope my little story will encourage each of you beautiful souls to access your inner strength even during hopeless times. So sit back and enjoy because I have quite a lot to talk about.
Let me start with the beginning. On January 19 I started my exam period. I knew it was going to be hard, or at least, I thought I did. Having as many exams as I did can overwhelm you because breaks seem to not even be considered (though they are essential) and you’re constantly extremely stressed and worried. This is normal though, any student goes through this; so why is my experience any different? Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve had a hard time ever since I started college. For some reason, any subject that was taught during my freshman year came as a shocking storm over me. I couldn’t really accustom to the new teaching method and to the extremely overwhelming pile of information that I had to learn in such a short amount of time. This lead me to fail miserably during my finals, and it’s pretty safe to say that it destroyed me for a while. I lost sight of my values and my strength. Though it took some time, I was eventually able to slowly get back on my own feet and try to seek hope again. Then, my second year of college began, and for a while, I was confident enough to believe that I will survive what was about to come. I decided that I would shut everything negative inside a small box in my mind. Oh boy, that was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. To the outside world, I seemed fine, but on the inside I was still broken and marked by my previous failures. I got it into my head that past was past, it was too late to deal with those feelings; and I should go on without worrying others.
As a new exam period was approaching, I started to panic. Everything I’ve held inside of me suddenly seemed to break free from my chain and there was nothing I could do to control it. Fear, sadness, uncertainty were nothing short of what I was feeling. The morning of my first exam I was so panicked that I started to cry. I just didn’t want to disappoint myself of anyone else again. This is when I have to stop and tell you: DO NOT EVER SHUT YOUR EMOTIONS! You’re going to end up just like me, terrified and uncertain. Again, I was facing the same thing from last year, a situation I so desperately wanted to avoid. I remember the day I found out I failed an exam for the third time. My mind shut down completely and I called my mom in tears, desperately saying: I don’t think I can do this! I found myself in a black whole, drowning…
It is difficult, as you can imagine, to describe something which almost broke you apart for the second time, but at the same time taught you so much. It is easy to succumb to your feelings, to let them take control of your whole being, and honestly, if I would’ve taken just one more step, it would’ve probably happen. Failure is not painless or manageable or effortless, but hard to understand, extremely challenging and emotionally draining. If it weren’t for my mom, who is the strongest woman I know, my dad, my brother, my friends and my grandparents, I think I would’ve probably given up on college. They were the ones who told me: Keep going, you can do this. You are capable of amazing things. I realised right then and there how blessed I was to have this incredible support system. I also learned that hard work can lead to extraordinary achievements. So yes, I almost gave up, yes, failure is damn hard, but I’ve come to see that each time you fall, you get up stronger than ever.
I want you to know that just because I’ve won a fight doesn’t mean I won’t fail again pr that I won’t lose myself in the process. Nothing in this life comes easy. This experience has taught me to work hard, to keep going even when all hope is lost and to have faith that no matter what, things will get better. So for those of you who feel alone, or lost, I hope this will show you that everyone has to go through highs and lows. Do not doubt yourself, be brave and keep going. You’ve got this!