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Lost and Flawed

For years I’ve seen people from all around the world build up the courage to put themselves out there and tell their stories. For me, it was and still is an act of bravery. Putting yourself in that vulnerable position is one of the most meaningful and strongest thing you could ever do, mainly because you can help millions of people with just one small video or post. I cannot tell you how much these stories helped me when I was in high school and now. They empower me. They show me that I am not alone. With this thought in mind I decided to share my story.

There are many things that I want to say. Some make their way through my mouth but the others are often too stubborn, patiently waiting to come out. In the end I always find my confidence when I write. I am able to access my deepest thoughts, to share them, to be as raw as I can possibly be. There’s endless possibilities, no shortcuts, no forgetfulness, no holding back. Some may find that pouring your heart out may be too difficult to bear but I, in spite of being shy, believe that expressing how you feel holds unimaginable beauty and truth.

For the past two years, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been really struggling. 2016 wasn’t the best year of my life. I had just finished high school and for one moment I truly felt like I knew what I wanted, so much so that I felt totally safe so to speak. Once I started college everything changed. I started questioning myself, who I was and what I wanted. The pressure was undeniable and I lost myself completely. Because of this I’ve ended up disappointing people that mean everything to me. The problem was that I couldn’t see the damage I was creating. I thought I was fine, that if I pushed everything away instead of not dealing with everything I was feeling one step at a time that it would be okay. How wrong I was. And so, early this year I had my first ever panic attack. It was the first time where I truly felt that the emotions were beginning to take over me. Instead of taking that as a sign, I kept going without acknowledging the truth. As the year progressed it became worse and worse. I experienced some failures in school which made me feel worthless. I took everything in my life for granted, from my family to my friends.They were there, especially my mom, dad and my brother, who have seen me at my absolute worst, but I was too isolated in my dark little world to see it. I am sure that they felt so helpless and didn’t know what to do to help me. This went on until I was hit by the cruel yet saving truth. After it was pointed out to me just how bad I’ve been, I began to slowly see all the damage I’ve left behind. There’s a true lesson that comes out of all of this: you can either let your mistakes take the best of you and consume you or accept them and try to become better. IMG_1304

Most of you will now think that I was depressed, and yes I was, on top of having anxiety and felling completely lost. In spite of everything that I’ve gone through, I have no regrets and I am grateful because if I continued going the way I was going I would have destroyed myself. Realising this does not make me completely fine and healed. I am just taking my first step into becoming a better person. Everything that happened thus far made me see that I am one of the most blessed people on this Earth because others struggle with so much more. It’s made me see that I am human, that I make mistakes, that I am imperfect, but that’s okay. Being human means to care, and when you care you love, and when you love you suffer. This is just a part of life and I believe that everyone is able to get through anything if they have faith. Faith that God is pointing us in the right direction, faith in themselves and faith that everything happens for a reason. I hope this will help some of you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Everyone struggles and we have no idea what is going on in other people’s minds.

  I am lost, and I am flawed, but that is okay!

“The quirky things that make you different are what make you beautiful”

When I was little, I used to think that celebrities were the embodiment of perfection. Every time I would see them on TV or read about them I would express in my mind my desire to be just like them.

As I got older, I started to see the bubble that was shielding them from reality.  What we sometimes don’t realise is that we are all human. We all make mistakes, we struggle, some more than others. I wish that I knew this back when I was 16. I was so insecure and shy. I lacked self confidence to the point where I would think that I was worthless. In short, I wasn’t capable of loving myself. I used to envy everyone around me and saw beauty in each human whom I’ve crossed paths with but myself ( still do sometimes ).  I would look at different celebrities and think Oh, I wish I was just like her/him, they’ve got it all figured out. If only I knew then how wrong I was. By the time I graduated I thought that I knew who I was, that I was ready for the real world. But let me tell you something that I would have liked to know back then, you’re never ready. I was just a 19 year old who was stepping into the real world and didn’t fully grasp the full meaning of that aspect. College life proved to be a difficult yet exciting change and for the past year I’ve grown so much as a young woman. I guess it’s true what they say that everything happens for a reason. The experiences that I’ve gone through so far have shaped my mind and soul so much that I no longer saw celebrities as inhuman. Of course they had fame and money but that didn’t mean that they were by any means happier than us. The more my blindness started to vanish the more I saw how vulnerable they truly are.


I’ve been a huge fan of Lily Collins ever since I saw Mortal Instruments: City of Bones in 2013. Once I heard that she was writing a book, more specifically a memoir, something told me that I had to have it.  I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get it when it was released as I am living in Romania, so I had to wait a little for Unfiltered to be released here as well. My life got so busy due to my exams that didn’t have the time to even think about buying the book. As fate would have it, I would get my hands on it when I needed the most. Two weeks ago my instincts told me that I shouldn’t delay it any longer and sure enough, three days later I had Unfiltered in my possession. Even though I was really excited I can honestly say that I didn’t know what to expect. Was it going to help me? Was it going to empower me? I will never forget the moment I turned my first page and read The quirky things that make you different are what make you beautiful. 

From that moment I was hooked. For the first time we were given the opportunity to see that a celebrity is nowhere near perfect but that imperfection holds an unimaginable beauty. Reading about how Lily struggled with anorexia as a teenager made me understand those who suffer from this more. I was almost in tears when she explained her fear of never being able to have children, a fear that I also have because of my small ovarian cysts. I have come to admire her more ( if that was even possible ) for her courage to share her life without any filters. Through her words, she encouraged me to love myself even if it will be hard at times, that I am enough on my own  and I don’t need anyone to complete me, that I can be silly because that’s our best part. I found myself relating to her more than I could have ever imagined.


As I mentioned before, I’ve had a hard time loving and accepting myself. I never saw myself as beautiful until I was 18 and still then it was just a small progress towards confidence. Yet everyday I tried to look at myself in the mirror and repeat that I am beautiful over and over again. I knew I had a long way to go but I kept trying not for anyone but myself. I had to understand that not everyone is going to like me, so I needed to accept myself as I am because there is only one of me. When I read her first chapter about her insecurities due to her eyebrows and that she learned to love what makes her unique thanks to her mother’s advice, something in me changed. It’s only been a week and a half since I read it but I can honestly say that I’ve never loved myself more. Of course my confidence still needs some work but I realised that if I don’t love myself then why expect others to. I also felt self conscious about my hair when I was younger. It used to be very bushy, and because of that I referred to it as “Hermione style”. I hated the fact that it looked so burned and I preferred it to be flat rather than full of volume. With time though I started to take care of it better and today I adore my hair, it’s become one of my best features and I always get compliments on it.



I was on the train, trying to get away from the city life when I reached a chapter where she talked about how she looked too young for her age. Believe it or not, looking younger than you are can be both a blessing and a curse. Everyone around me told me that I should appreciate it and believe me, I do, but sometimes it can be a bit annoying because people tend to treat you like a child. Reading about how Lily struggled during her auditions because she looked too young made me feel so relieved that someone finally understood.


 Also, like Lily, I like to surprise people too. I love the look on their faces when they find out that I’m 20 instead of 15-16 and that my personality is way different than what they’ve had in mind at first glance. I am also not a fan of drinking to have fun and sometimes I am too compassionate. I loved how she talked about tattoos, how a story could be told just by a simple tattoo. What impressed me the most though was the story of her abusive relationship. When you’re in that kind of situation, it’s hard to leave that person because you love them and in your mind you feel like you have a responsibility to help them. It must have taken a lot to speak up and accept that you deserve better. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. I will never forget this.

I urge everyone to get Unfiltered not only because you’re a fan of Lily Collins but also because there’s not a person in this world who cannot relate to her book. It has now become one of my favourite books that I will most likely re-read when I am feeling down about myself. The truth is, we are constantly evolving. No one has life figured out yet and even though sometimes things might be hard remember that things are going to get better and you are strong enough. We need to accept the things that make us unique! 


            Love Always and Forever”

                                               -Lily Collins


Afraid

 

I am afraid“. These three words are always the hardest to come out of my mouth. I don’t always like to admit it, mainly because I have this idea in my head that I would seem weak. We all are afraid of something and that’s normal, but sometimes it is hard to accept the idea of fear. It consumes us until the loneliness of that dark place becomes too overwhelming. I always have to remind myself that being afraid doesn’t make you weak. Admitting it actually makes you stronger. So, yes, I am afraid…I am afraid that my life isn’t going to be epic, adventurous, amazing and, most of all, inspiring.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I am trapped in this dungeon which keeps me from the outside world. I only know half the way to reach the and and escape. To be honest, I actually don’t know what I want to do with my life, which path I should take, and everyday I become more and more confused. I know that I want an extraordinary life, filled with passion, adventure and even a little bit of danger( quoting Damon Salvatore a bit there hehe 😀 ) but I don’t know how to fulfill those things. I am so afraid that my life will end up being ordinary, and while most of the people want that, I actually don’t. Every life has a purpose, and I want mine to be special, to be inspiring. There is just so much more to this life than ordinary. I see all these people changing lives, doing extraordinary things and I’m just sitting here, doing nothing. This bothers me the most. I guess Belle’s words really represent me, they are a part of me, the part which is desperate to get out. Not everyone understands my desires, which makes me feel even lonelier. My conscious wants to scream, to be set free but I just really don’t know how to do that.

            “I want adventure in the great wild somewhere,

          I want it more than I can tell…

         And for once it might be grand

        To have someone understand

          I want so much more than they’ve got planned”

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I feel trapped and it is terrifying to think that maybe I won’t ever get out. There must be a way out, there must be something to help me escape this blur. It is a very lonely road ahead of me and while I don’t really now it yet, I am ready to face every challenge, every hardship just so I could find who I’m supposed to be. I hope it will be worth it… That I am worthy of an extraordinary life…

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    I want to LIVE 

 

Escape

Everyone needs an escape once in a while. This world is so imperfect sometimes that we have to find a way to recharge our batteries. Most of us want a quiet place, where your thoughts stop flowing like crazy maniacs and try to mess with you. It is a shelter of warmth and security, a mini “paradise” which allows you to escape reality or disappointment. And believe me, I’ve had my fair share of disappointments from people who I barely knew and people who were closest to me. There is nothing we can do about it other than trying to accept things as they are and be prepared for what’s to come. In other words, an escape place is essential to our mind. Some people search for it for years and others don’t realise that it’s just sitting there, right under their nose.

Ever since I was little I was drawn to the artistic side of life. I hated the logical point of view. I wanted to explore, to imagine, to comment and go beyond rational meaning. I was also drawn to drawing. I found this unexplainable joy whenever I would touch a pencil. If only did i know at that time just how much I would need drawing. As I grew up, I began to rely more and more on it. I was a bit of a loner back then, I didn’t mind it at first but at around 13 years old I began to worry about myself because every summer from 6th grade until the 8th grade I would be alone and drawing was the only thing that brought me happiness. I made comics of the person that I wanted to be, this powerful, confident, intelligent girl that could do anything she wanted without caring what others thought. Instead of thinking how lonely I was, I would just draw. My mind would stop shouting negativity as I was holding my pencil.

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After I entered high school for some reason I stopped drawing. I was no longer the lonely girl and I started to change, to shape into a better and more confident person. And so, I almost gave up drawing because I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. How wrong was I… My senior year was probably the hardest year I’ve ever had to face. On one hand I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my life and I was also going through some personal stuff too. One day though, everything changed. Somehow my passion for drawing came back and I was really nervous at first to pick up a pencil again, but I knew I had to do it. I questioned my ability to draw, of course, since it’s been a couple of years since I last made a proper sketch. I was scared that maybe I’ve lost it and I disappointment was written all over my faced as I realised how I’ve neglected a gift, a talent that got me through so many things. At that moment all I could think was “Okay, if I really lost my ability to draw I will do everything in my power to get it back.”

The thing is, when you love something that much you just can’t even process the possibility of it fading away from your grasp. I made my first few lines and from there, my mind stopped worrying. “I forgot how much I loved this” I thought. And from then on I couldn’t stop. Believe it or not, even with those years when I didn’t really practice my drawing, my skills were now better than ever. From then on, a new world was born, a world that will never disappear, a world which will never let me stop drawing ever again because if I really were to completely stop, it would be like losing the ability to breathe. Some people try their hardest to find their escape, and mine has been there all along but I was oblivious of its existence. “This is my escape” I whispered…

 

 

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PS: I have an Instagram dedicated to my drawings if you want to check it out @acourtofartanddreams 

The loveliest family on YouTube

In this day and age it is quite hard to find people who can truly be real. Sadly, there is still a lot of hate and judgement in this world which is now so fragile. Young generations don’t deserve to be surrounded by this fog of negativity. Yet, through all of this, there are still some bright lights. In my years of watching YouTubers, I’m not going to lie, I’ve stumbled upon a lot of people who weren’t that inspirational, some who used the platform to spread negative thoughts. For years and years I’ve searched for YouTubers who can give me strength, who can make me laugh, who can spread encouragement and creativity, and most of all, people who appreciate small things the most.

Lindy(Bubzbeauty), Zoe (Zoella), Alfie Deyes (PointlessBlog), Lilly (Superwoman) and Sasha Alsberg (Abookutopia) were actually among the only ones that I considered true, kind and inspirational from the numerous YouTubers I’ve watched over the past 3 years. That is until I found The Michalaks’ channel which at that time was still Hannah’s main channel. I completely fell in love with their little family. They never tried to be perfect, that wasn’t their purpose. I think this is why I love them so much. Their character, kind souls, funny jokes( YES STEF, I LOVE YOUR JOKES) and their unconditional love for small things and their son just warmed my heart. There is something special about this family and I feel incredibly lucky that I’ve had the privilege to watch their journey from the moment Grayson was born. e9ecf7ee1053f83096a78aa9a4082ba8

There aren’t words to describe how much they’ve inspired me to enjoy each moment, to appreciate art more and ultimately start my own YouTube channel. They genuinly love and appreciate every single one of their followers. We really need more people like them to make our day, who want to spread only love. Stef’s unique montages are something I’ve never seen before and Hannah’s kindness is just so bright. These people deserve everything the life has to offer and even more because they change people from all over the world. Hannah, Stef, you will never know how much a part of our lives you are and I hope that you will never stop doing what you love. I almost cried when I found out Hannah was pregnant because truly there isn’t a more deserving family than The Michalaks.

 

Spread ONLY love, NOT hate

 

PS: JUST WATCH THIS, IT WILL MAKE YOUR DAY

The Michalaks: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2Ex6mz9I0DS92uVoW6pfSg

Reality

When you’re a kid you don’t really understand what it means to be a grown up. In fact, you cannot wait for that day to come sooner. Any child wants to be able to eat sugar at any time they want, or go to sleep past their bedtime. Throughout the years we watched our parents be independent and we always believed they could do anything they wanted. We couldn’t wait to grow up so we could be just like them. And so we patiently wait, dreaming about the adult life filled with freedom, independence, adventure and thrill.

Reality is something that we, as children, could not really understand. Childhood is, as I call it a “fairy tale”, an escape from reality. We are loved and sheltered by our parents and we lived in complete ignorance of what is actually going on in this world. It wasn’t our fault of course. Any child should be able to have that escape, to only worry about their toy collection or having someone to play with, to be oblivious of the bad parts. And so, the circle of life continues. With every passing year the child starts to change. They become more aware of their surroundings and once the teenage years come along they start experiencing new emotions, good and bad: love, passion, moodiness, anxiety, depression. I think these are truly the starting point of our journey to adulthood because for the first time we get a glimpse that things are not as perfect as they seemed to be. You start contemplating about your past, your childhood and realise that hey, that part of our life was pretty amazing.

My first glimpse of reality was when I had to decide what I was going to do with my life. When I was little, I always had this idea in my mind that I wanted to be an actress, and then a comic artist, and then a designer. If only I knew back then that it wasn’t so easy. When I actually had to choose which path I should take I felt like I was being trapped into a dungeon, a very cold and lifeless dungeon. Fear quickly made its way too. It was the first time that I understood that life is not a game, and you have to choose your next move carefully. Even after I finished high school I wasn’t completely aware that yes, I was finally an adult. As I entered in University, life seemed better than ever. I found this new freedom thrilling, challenging. It was exactly what I needed. But freedom brings more than just thrill and adventure. It opens the door to the real world. Now you are in charge of your life and whether you like it or not, it will have many difficulties.

You now are mature enough to see the reality, to be aware of the good and the bad parts. There is a whole world out there that we have yet to know, a world which may not have the same privileges as us. Reality is imperfect and because of this, many people aren’t always blessed like the rest of us. The world is much more than just your family, friends, town or country. This is what it means to be an adult, to fight for what you want, to survive failure and rise from the ground because boy, once you do, nothing can stop you.

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Always love, not hate

Seasons change, and I’m changing too…

 

I’ve been really struggling lately to express my thoughts into words. Every single time I would try to write something I would fail, even if in the back of my mind I had a world filled with words that wanted to say. It was like I couldn’t be myself anymore. It got to a point where I believed that I won’t be able to write again and I hated the idea because my ocean of words never really vanished or faded away, I just simply didn’t know how to access it anymore.

My life has been a series of transitions this past year. For one thing, I’ve officially entered the world of adulthood as I am now a University student. Though I’ve wished for this moment for the past year and a half, when it actually started I’ve found myself being more confused. The transition from high school to University was one of the biggest changes I’ve ever had to face and I’m still in that process. The first week of University filled my mind with numerous questions such as “Am I able to accumulate so much information?” “Am I good enough to get my degree?” “Am I ready for this?”. With all these questions though, I’ve never felt that I didn’t belong there. I was able to find people who share the same interests as I do, who understand me in so many ways and also teachers who are willing to expand our world of knowledge. I’ve also started doing YouTube videos this past August. A dream finally came true. For years I’ve wondered if I should do it or not. I’ve doubted myself, that I will be able to put myself out there. You know what they say: you are your worst enemy. In the end, indeed, I could and this experience brought me a new passion and also brought me out of my comfort zone.

As the seasons change, I’m changing along with them. I’m maturing and becoming a woman. I’ve promised myself that throughout all of this I’ll never let go of my childhood self, that I’ll cherish it until the end because after all, it’s the purest part of ours, whether you like to admit it or not. Our journey is based on changes. Without them, we’ll never grow.

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“I’m not stubborn. My way is just better”

via Daily Prompt: Stubborn

 

Imagine that there is this minion within you wanting to control every decision you ever make and every opinion you ever have. That little minion’s name is Stubbornness. He usually likes to stick with his own opinion and never listen to others even when what he believes or says is not true. For example, one person could try to share their thoughts and knowledge but you just refuse to accept them because you believe in other ideas. This comes as a disadvantage for you as you’ll be grounded even more in your own little world.

89dc98e0c40522d46becfe6736e173c3Story-time: 

In 2014 on Christmas break my best friend was trying to convince me to go ice skating. I didn’t know how to but she promised that she would teach me. Having my introverted side unleashed, I kept telling her that I don’t really want to. Also, I didn’t know how it was going to be and different scenes like me having to watch while the rest of the people had fun kept coming into my head.  ended up going eventually and I’ve never had s much fun in a while. I even learned how to ice skate, all because I didn’t let my stubbornness get in the way. My best friend helped a lot too. She never gave up on me because she knew that I would have fun. She taught me to not be afraid to try new things and I’m always going to be grateful for that.

Moral of the story, don’t let stubbornness get in the way. I had to learn this the hard way but I was lucky because I had a great best friend who still pushes me to try new things. If you don’t try you’ll never know.

“Hope begins with the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you never give up”

 

 

< I do not own the pictures, you can find them here:https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/89/dc/98/89dc98e0c40522d46becfe6736e173c3.jpg   https://4tololo.ru/files/u7/sposobnosti-disneevskih-princes-23.gif &gt;

It all changes with time

Time, could be your ally or your worst enemy. You keep counting on it when you really want to escape for example, a really bad situation that you’re in. You just keep telling yourself: “Well time heals everything, I just have to be patient.”  Time brings changes, whether you like them or not. We keep forgetting sometimes that with time, we change as well, we become the people we are meant to be. This also applies to friendships. Some are meant to last forever, others are just going to disappear at the most unexpected times.

I was attending my childhood friend’s birthday party a couple of days ago. We have a really strange relationship when we tease each other(not because of romantic reasons ), fight like an old married couple and also care about the other in our own way. There was one moment in the past when it was just me and him and I loved the fact that I was a person that he could rely on to share secrets, insecurities and dreams. I thought that it was going to be like this forever and that our unique friendship will last forever. I guess i was wrong partially.

While his mom was bringing the cake, I looked around the room and saw all of the people he now has in his life, the people he now puts his trust in.We all sang happy birthday to him and wished him happiness. Seeing all those people wishing him well made me realise that I was no longer that person he always went to when he needed someone to talk. He no longer tells me anything really. Sure when we hang out sometimes and it all seems like before but in reality it’s nothing like it. It is bitter sweet to see that friendship changing. I sometimes find myself wishing it was all like before, that he didn’t push me away, that he still entrusts me with all his thoughts. One good thing that came out of this is his new friends. I always wished for him to be surrounded by people who actually cared and I really hope that his new friends are there for him.

Time changes everything, and even though we may lose some things in the process all you need to remember is that everything happens for a reason.It’s never going to be the same but you have to accept the idea that maybe this needed to happen. Each challenge sets your path towards the person you are going to be. Don’t ask “why”, just trust that everything is happening in order for you to grow.